When I was sixteen I was consumed by the idea that my life was excruciating, miserable and otherwise unlivable because my parents "forced" me to drive a 1983 toyota cressida station wagon (turquoise, with turquoise interior). Other concerns included never having a homecoming date, being too intelligent/mature (as far as I could tell) for my high school classes and wondering if I'd ever get asked out by one of the senior boys that only talked to my more beautiful (but obviously less entertaining) friends.
Meet Marina. A sixteen year-old woman that even with a college degree and seven or eight years of life experience on her, makes me feel humble, reverential, awestruck and inspired. Marina lives in a "low-income" community in a tiny apartment with her younger brother and mother. She is brilliant and articulate in two languages and manages to be as vulnerable and insecure in her adolescence as she is confident and assertive in her womanhood. She is remarkable. She is the type of young
woman that reminds me how lucky I have been to always have had a voice in the world. She also reminds me
that so many women like her, who could change the world with their insight and observation, don't have such a voice, and in her case, even if they have one, they don't have the space to express it.
While filming a movie about the invisibility of Latina women in the media I interviewed Marina. The interview itself was an afterthought, she wasn't even on the list of people to talk to because she didn't represent the type of image I was targeting. In all of my righteous attempts to unveil the stereotypes and marginalization of Latina women in the media, there I was, stereotyping, essentializing. Assuming that I wouldn't get a usable response, half-paying attention and mostly rushed, I asked Marina what she thought about latinas in the media. My writing could never do justice to the subsequent five hours or so, but it should serve as sufficient to say that Marina's testimony formed the entire framework for the film, and in its early stages of exhibition, has been its most influential aspect. Even those that have been most critical of the film's character and composition, have wondered, who is that girl, and where and how did she become so intelligent, well-spoken, inspiring, perceptive and so on.
Marina is exceptional. But in the weeks since the completion of the movie I have thought alot about her voice on camera and her perspective in real life, and have wondered how many other young women are waking up every day with similar ideas, critiques and analyses and are walking through their lives without a single place or person in which or with which to express them. At some intersection of my culture and privilege is the space where my opinion and insight have always mattered. I learned at a very early age that what I had to say was important and that there was always going to be someone around
to listen to it, validate it, and confirm that my process of thought and interpretation was legitimate. And
although I've spent alot of time feeling guilty and ashamed of what all of that amounts to, I have come to consider that my time might be better spent trying to pass that on to the women in my life who haven't had this type of fortune.
I have this image in my mind of a transformative space, of a forum that is so real to me I can see and experience it. I see groups of young women, getting together and talking about the things that are meaningful in their everyday experience. It is not particularly academic or formalized, simply just an environment in which young women can say what it is that's occupying their minds in those spaces that have been preserved from the influx and influence of Laguna Beach marathons, American Idol and every fashion magazine on the planet telling them that they how to look, think and behave.
I think it would be earth shattering to give young women an oppurtunity to express how they feel, who they are and what they see in the world. Maybe it's with words, or artwork or a videocamera, or maybe it's in a way I don't even understand, but I think there is something incredibly powerful in Marina's voice that undoubtedly resonates in the hearts of all sorts of other young women. I think it is incredibly valuable and significant because it is the truth. It is a truth we can't deny or shy away from. It's a truth that isn't coming from a source we can easily discredit and fail to confront, it's a truth that is coming from experience, emotion and authenticity and I think it is the type of truth that has the potential to change the world.
Starting today I am making a vow to myself and the young women in my life that if they have something to say I will listen, and that I will do my best in my life to create pathways through which they can navigate their thoughts to keep the conversation going. I have no doubt that in whatever emerges from these conversations I will be nothing less than blown away.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
A word on Courageous Women
Last week I went to my Monday morning yoga class. The instructor has recently become the only woman on the planet from whom I want to learn yoga and more and more is a source for an incredible amount of insight into my life experience as a female. This woman has courageously transformed her rigorous, emotionally/spiritually challenging yoga practice into a ninety-minute family experience. I came across this class by accident and have definite plans to include it as a permanent aspect of my yoga ritual. The room echoed with the sound and smell of babies. A woman next to me struggled to hold her down-dog while her six year old daughter attached herself to her mother's torso. The only man in the class left early (no, I wasnt surprised) and the women that remained sweat through all the distractions and obligations of motherhood and emerged triumphant, simply, in yoga (it means unity).
My experience on this particular day launched a week long meditation on the under-valued courage of women that is in so many ways invisible and silent in our social culture. Even for me, righteous aspiring feminist scholar that I am, I find myself hung up on all of the things that are disabling and debilitating that exist as barriers for women in all aspects of our lives. And yet all around me, everyday, are incredible examples of female courage that shine much more brightly than the glimmer of patriarchal oppression that creeps through the cracks of our self-determined strength.
My yoga instructor is courageous. Every Tuesday and Thursday evening she faces 100 fit-conscious west los angeles fanatics with a four month old baby in her arms. She breaks down barriers, builds energy and fosters the most enriching hour and a half we have all week. She does this for people who seek yoga as their only source of self-reflection and spirituality. She is powerful, graceful and now she has completely re-framed Santa Monica Power Yoga as a space for people to simultaneously connect with, and escape the most demanding people in their lives. Women confront and engage motherhood, while they explore deeply, themselves. There are far too many fine lines women must walk as mothers- Don't bring your work home, don't bring your home-life to work. Ally Hamilton has created a space where women can be both humans and mothers within the same body and mind, and as far as I can tell, that is a rare and extraordinary gift.
My mom is courageous. When I left for college my mom was 52. After being married for 25 years, she was recently divorced, and had devoted the last 21 years to raising children, and I must say, did so heroically and with exceptional grace. My older brother was still using at the time and was effectively out of the emotional reach of maternal influence. So there she was, middle-aged and essentially abandoned and she did what can only be done (at any age and under any circumstance) with tremendous courage; she started her life over. Having endured more as a mother than I would expect all of the women I know to survive collectively, she dug to the depth of herself and made her own life. She learned: to live for herself, on her own terms, and I'll tell you, the woman I owe everything to learned (at a time when most adults are ready to resign themselves to whatever form of insurance agent they've become), that she deserves it, and that she's not going to take shit from anyone.
My roommates are courageous. Every day my apartment is empty, not particularly grown-up and sometimes downright messy. But when the sun goes down and it comes alive with its inhabitants, it might as well be a Tibetan Buddhist Temple. My roommates are challenging and engaging the world in thought and action. They are determined to preserve their undergradaute optimism and destined to change the world. They (we) are women of different backgrounds, experiences and lifestyles and yet they have developed a unity that transcends all boundaries of love and relationships. They have the courage to know the world for its injustice but to pursue the goodness it has the potential to unveil. My roommates take risks, love unconditionally and believe in eachother in such a way that if their energy could be harnessed and redistributed, it would change the world. Each one of them is strong and resilient and have overcome themselves to bring humanity to the lives of others. They are not afraid to lead, to make decisions, to be opinionated, to take on the unknown, to do the right thing, to do the wrong thing and above all, they know what it means to love; and for me, there is no courage without love existing first.
My friend Amy is courageous. Last weekend my brother used the term "self-made man" about one of his close friends. It occured to me, that as far as the American vocabulary is concerned, there is no such thing as a self-made woman. I certainly believe that there are many females who fit into this category, and Amy is the living embodiment. She has confronted the world head-on, head-strong, and although she is an important part of many communities of people, in many ways she has done it all on her own. She is capable and aware of her strengths and she was one of the first people who taught me what it meant to be a woman walking in a man's world. Not only is Amy a courageous young professional and a dynamic leader, she is a mentor to women of all ages, and a source of wisdom for everyone she encounters in every aspect of her life. She is a heroine of ordinary existence and as one of her young proteges once said, "proof that women can be 'as good' as men."
I invite the world to acknowledge and experience women of courage. They are in every aspect of ourselves and woven into the emotional and experential fabric with which we are all created. Courage has not been culturally constructed as a feminine characteristic. The term conjures vivid imagery of trojan warriors and Mel Gibson's blue-painted face. But for me, courage is more than a vision of masculinity, it is a trait of the rare people in the world who use the best part of themselves to make other people better. Courage is the source from which change emerges and the place in which adversity is overcome; and there is no question, that in my life, the greatest examples of all of this, are women.
My experience on this particular day launched a week long meditation on the under-valued courage of women that is in so many ways invisible and silent in our social culture. Even for me, righteous aspiring feminist scholar that I am, I find myself hung up on all of the things that are disabling and debilitating that exist as barriers for women in all aspects of our lives. And yet all around me, everyday, are incredible examples of female courage that shine much more brightly than the glimmer of patriarchal oppression that creeps through the cracks of our self-determined strength.
My yoga instructor is courageous. Every Tuesday and Thursday evening she faces 100 fit-conscious west los angeles fanatics with a four month old baby in her arms. She breaks down barriers, builds energy and fosters the most enriching hour and a half we have all week. She does this for people who seek yoga as their only source of self-reflection and spirituality. She is powerful, graceful and now she has completely re-framed Santa Monica Power Yoga as a space for people to simultaneously connect with, and escape the most demanding people in their lives. Women confront and engage motherhood, while they explore deeply, themselves. There are far too many fine lines women must walk as mothers- Don't bring your work home, don't bring your home-life to work. Ally Hamilton has created a space where women can be both humans and mothers within the same body and mind, and as far as I can tell, that is a rare and extraordinary gift.
My mom is courageous. When I left for college my mom was 52. After being married for 25 years, she was recently divorced, and had devoted the last 21 years to raising children, and I must say, did so heroically and with exceptional grace. My older brother was still using at the time and was effectively out of the emotional reach of maternal influence. So there she was, middle-aged and essentially abandoned and she did what can only be done (at any age and under any circumstance) with tremendous courage; she started her life over. Having endured more as a mother than I would expect all of the women I know to survive collectively, she dug to the depth of herself and made her own life. She learned: to live for herself, on her own terms, and I'll tell you, the woman I owe everything to learned (at a time when most adults are ready to resign themselves to whatever form of insurance agent they've become), that she deserves it, and that she's not going to take shit from anyone.
My roommates are courageous. Every day my apartment is empty, not particularly grown-up and sometimes downright messy. But when the sun goes down and it comes alive with its inhabitants, it might as well be a Tibetan Buddhist Temple. My roommates are challenging and engaging the world in thought and action. They are determined to preserve their undergradaute optimism and destined to change the world. They (we) are women of different backgrounds, experiences and lifestyles and yet they have developed a unity that transcends all boundaries of love and relationships. They have the courage to know the world for its injustice but to pursue the goodness it has the potential to unveil. My roommates take risks, love unconditionally and believe in eachother in such a way that if their energy could be harnessed and redistributed, it would change the world. Each one of them is strong and resilient and have overcome themselves to bring humanity to the lives of others. They are not afraid to lead, to make decisions, to be opinionated, to take on the unknown, to do the right thing, to do the wrong thing and above all, they know what it means to love; and for me, there is no courage without love existing first.
My friend Amy is courageous. Last weekend my brother used the term "self-made man" about one of his close friends. It occured to me, that as far as the American vocabulary is concerned, there is no such thing as a self-made woman. I certainly believe that there are many females who fit into this category, and Amy is the living embodiment. She has confronted the world head-on, head-strong, and although she is an important part of many communities of people, in many ways she has done it all on her own. She is capable and aware of her strengths and she was one of the first people who taught me what it meant to be a woman walking in a man's world. Not only is Amy a courageous young professional and a dynamic leader, she is a mentor to women of all ages, and a source of wisdom for everyone she encounters in every aspect of her life. She is a heroine of ordinary existence and as one of her young proteges once said, "proof that women can be 'as good' as men."
I invite the world to acknowledge and experience women of courage. They are in every aspect of ourselves and woven into the emotional and experential fabric with which we are all created. Courage has not been culturally constructed as a feminine characteristic. The term conjures vivid imagery of trojan warriors and Mel Gibson's blue-painted face. But for me, courage is more than a vision of masculinity, it is a trait of the rare people in the world who use the best part of themselves to make other people better. Courage is the source from which change emerges and the place in which adversity is overcome; and there is no question, that in my life, the greatest examples of all of this, are women.
Thursday, March 1, 2007
Spring Sing and the Politics of Amador County
I've made a point of surrounding myself with people who see the world through a similar lens as my own. This practice has resulted in my opinons and life perspective being spread over a broader range of experiental terrain. So even though I haven't had the occassion to visit Amador county since my last backcountry mother's day celebration (an alarming proportion of my maternal relatives live there), the source of my inspiration for the current musings is an experience one of my satelite sensors had while dining at a local restaurant in the illustrious Amador county.
She was reading a newsletter detailing the regional happenings for the month of February. She was immediately drawn to a section called "marriage advice from children." A young girl, age ten advises, "You don't pick who you marry, God picks who you marry and eventually you just end up with them." A young boy, age ten advises, "It's important to pick someone who likes the same things as you. If you like sports she should like that you like sports, and keep the chips and dips coming." Oh man, where do I begin?
Let's start with the implications of the young female perspective. Not only does it reflect the deeply rooted conditional experience of girls who learn to be complacent, resigned, and complicit in their gendered role and identity; it speaks to the dangerous orientation women have to relationships, marriage and men. I think that one of the most beautiful things about children is that they see and interpret the world in incredibly honest and candid terms. The fact that this young girl has articulated marriage in terms of "who you end up with" is an authentic translation of how she has experienced life. Even at ten years old she has learned acceptance, how to take the prescriptions she's given without protest because resistance is either unrealistic, unavailable or impossible. Her statement reflects the social identification of women, and perhaps even more so young women, as obedient, pious and complicit with the roles and characteristics that are outlined for them overwhelmingly of course, by standards and representations that are created by men. Even more interesting for me is that while it is perfectly acceptable for young boys and men to imagine themselves as escaping marriage forever, girls and women percieve it as a part of their natural destiny. Certainly we all know that men who are single are "bachelors" at any age while women who remain unmarried are "old maids", "spinsters", or simply crazy, unmarriable or otherwise undesirable. It's funny how language works like that. So whether you believe God, your mother, your best friend or your eventual spouse picks who you marry, it's inevitable and unavoidable. I guess like with everything else that "just comes with being a woman" we should just get on board and over it, right?
I imagine whoever was in charge of publishing "marriage advice from children" thought that what the ten year old boy had to say was adorable, hilarious and irresistable. I can also imagine that many of the people reading "marriage advice from children" had a similar reaction. And that's fine, I guess. Except I'm horrified that a male as young as ten has already inherited the value system and perspective that his statement represents. Not only does it imply a gendered hierarchy in which his interests and identity are superior in caliber and significance, it suggests that women don't, can't or shouldn't have an identity that is seperate from their male counterpart. Of course we can't discount the resonance of women's service, and with that, subservience, to men that echos in the end of the statement. I'm sure the likely interpretations would be that he's just a kid and it's just a joke, or he's probably just reiterating and reflecting what he sees in his own family. And although it all might be true, it nonetheless speaks to the power of socialization and reproduction. This ten-year old certainly wasn't born with these attitudes, and printing them only validates, confirms and reaffirms them. And as with many things that are taken as "just a joke" it reenforces stereotypes, preserve norms and prevents critical observation from developing. Ok, ok, so Amador county isn't exactly the progressive political capital of the northwest and it is certainly understandable how these issues could wind up undetected in the Northern California foothills. Unfortunately, youthful incarnations of gender inequality is not limited to conserative voting districts.
The private catholic school where I work holds an annual concert called "spring sing," and from what I've gathered each class picks and practices a song to perform. Recently, a girl in third grade was complaining to me about the song her class had been chosen to sing. The title? "Guys say cool and girls say gross." Yes, that's right, almost a decade into the twenty-first century, in west los angeles(considered liberal, no?), a third grade class will be divided along gendered lines to sing a song that not only suggests, but demands that children experience the world in certain ways based on being a boy or girl. So what if you're a girl who doesn't think it's gross (I think the song is about somebody's loose tooth), what does that say to you about yourself? Here's some hints: abnormal, weird, strange, unusual. I imagine the experience for boys who do think it's gross is similar and equally uncomfortable. Beyond this, and perhaps what I find to be most interesting, is how this song conjures up the image of young boys pushing eachother out of the way to check out how "cool" "it" is while the girls recoil in horror and try to get out of the way. Does anyone else see the males moving to the foreground (where the action is) while the females are shoved into the background in observation? And this is just one of the ways that girls learn how to react while they passively watch the boys interact with whatever environment they're in.
I am 23 years old and have spent my entire life playing with boys. And even though I'm nearly a foot taller, more athletic and faster than your average 8 year old, the boys at this very same school refuse to throw to me on the football field. I catch every pass my adult co-worker throws me and I can launch a perfect spiral as far as anyone else I've seen throw, yet after every snap I stand un-guarded in the end-zone and no one even looks my way. Somewhere in the course of their relatively new school career, these boys have learned that women are either untrustworthy or incapable on the football field and I imagine have absorbed this same information about other spheres of their daily life. These boys have a female P.E. coach, in fact all but one teacher at the entire school are women, and all but one of their day care counselors are women. They are overwhelmingly picked up from school (and you can infer raised primarily) by women and yet somehow they have learned that in some places women just don't belong....hm...interesting, I wonder how that happened?
The truth is the messages about gender roles and identity are everywhere for these kids and it is no surprise that their understanding of gender difference develops before their awareness of just about any other aspect of identity (race, sexuality, etc.). If in an age where women are presumed to have achieved equality in so many ways, education, career, etc, why are young people still learning these lessons about their respective places in the world? Probably because as much as we'd all like to point to the Clinton '08 presidential campaign and say, here's living proof that women have made it in this world, we can all go on with our lives, the reality is they (we) haven't. And we certainly won't as long as we (womena and men) remain complacent and uncritical about media, curriculum and implicit stereotype-reenforcement that teaches both males and females where we belong.
Yesterday I saw a white t-shirt hanging in a girl's clothing store window. In pink writing the shirt said: "I'm too pretty to do math" For those who believe that I'm full of unnecessary, righteous, feminist bullshit.....I rest my case.
She was reading a newsletter detailing the regional happenings for the month of February. She was immediately drawn to a section called "marriage advice from children." A young girl, age ten advises, "You don't pick who you marry, God picks who you marry and eventually you just end up with them." A young boy, age ten advises, "It's important to pick someone who likes the same things as you. If you like sports she should like that you like sports, and keep the chips and dips coming." Oh man, where do I begin?
Let's start with the implications of the young female perspective. Not only does it reflect the deeply rooted conditional experience of girls who learn to be complacent, resigned, and complicit in their gendered role and identity; it speaks to the dangerous orientation women have to relationships, marriage and men. I think that one of the most beautiful things about children is that they see and interpret the world in incredibly honest and candid terms. The fact that this young girl has articulated marriage in terms of "who you end up with" is an authentic translation of how she has experienced life. Even at ten years old she has learned acceptance, how to take the prescriptions she's given without protest because resistance is either unrealistic, unavailable or impossible. Her statement reflects the social identification of women, and perhaps even more so young women, as obedient, pious and complicit with the roles and characteristics that are outlined for them overwhelmingly of course, by standards and representations that are created by men. Even more interesting for me is that while it is perfectly acceptable for young boys and men to imagine themselves as escaping marriage forever, girls and women percieve it as a part of their natural destiny. Certainly we all know that men who are single are "bachelors" at any age while women who remain unmarried are "old maids", "spinsters", or simply crazy, unmarriable or otherwise undesirable. It's funny how language works like that. So whether you believe God, your mother, your best friend or your eventual spouse picks who you marry, it's inevitable and unavoidable. I guess like with everything else that "just comes with being a woman" we should just get on board and over it, right?
I imagine whoever was in charge of publishing "marriage advice from children" thought that what the ten year old boy had to say was adorable, hilarious and irresistable. I can also imagine that many of the people reading "marriage advice from children" had a similar reaction. And that's fine, I guess. Except I'm horrified that a male as young as ten has already inherited the value system and perspective that his statement represents. Not only does it imply a gendered hierarchy in which his interests and identity are superior in caliber and significance, it suggests that women don't, can't or shouldn't have an identity that is seperate from their male counterpart. Of course we can't discount the resonance of women's service, and with that, subservience, to men that echos in the end of the statement. I'm sure the likely interpretations would be that he's just a kid and it's just a joke, or he's probably just reiterating and reflecting what he sees in his own family. And although it all might be true, it nonetheless speaks to the power of socialization and reproduction. This ten-year old certainly wasn't born with these attitudes, and printing them only validates, confirms and reaffirms them. And as with many things that are taken as "just a joke" it reenforces stereotypes, preserve norms and prevents critical observation from developing. Ok, ok, so Amador county isn't exactly the progressive political capital of the northwest and it is certainly understandable how these issues could wind up undetected in the Northern California foothills. Unfortunately, youthful incarnations of gender inequality is not limited to conserative voting districts.
The private catholic school where I work holds an annual concert called "spring sing," and from what I've gathered each class picks and practices a song to perform. Recently, a girl in third grade was complaining to me about the song her class had been chosen to sing. The title? "Guys say cool and girls say gross." Yes, that's right, almost a decade into the twenty-first century, in west los angeles(considered liberal, no?), a third grade class will be divided along gendered lines to sing a song that not only suggests, but demands that children experience the world in certain ways based on being a boy or girl. So what if you're a girl who doesn't think it's gross (I think the song is about somebody's loose tooth), what does that say to you about yourself? Here's some hints: abnormal, weird, strange, unusual. I imagine the experience for boys who do think it's gross is similar and equally uncomfortable. Beyond this, and perhaps what I find to be most interesting, is how this song conjures up the image of young boys pushing eachother out of the way to check out how "cool" "it" is while the girls recoil in horror and try to get out of the way. Does anyone else see the males moving to the foreground (where the action is) while the females are shoved into the background in observation? And this is just one of the ways that girls learn how to react while they passively watch the boys interact with whatever environment they're in.
I am 23 years old and have spent my entire life playing with boys. And even though I'm nearly a foot taller, more athletic and faster than your average 8 year old, the boys at this very same school refuse to throw to me on the football field. I catch every pass my adult co-worker throws me and I can launch a perfect spiral as far as anyone else I've seen throw, yet after every snap I stand un-guarded in the end-zone and no one even looks my way. Somewhere in the course of their relatively new school career, these boys have learned that women are either untrustworthy or incapable on the football field and I imagine have absorbed this same information about other spheres of their daily life. These boys have a female P.E. coach, in fact all but one teacher at the entire school are women, and all but one of their day care counselors are women. They are overwhelmingly picked up from school (and you can infer raised primarily) by women and yet somehow they have learned that in some places women just don't belong....hm...interesting, I wonder how that happened?
The truth is the messages about gender roles and identity are everywhere for these kids and it is no surprise that their understanding of gender difference develops before their awareness of just about any other aspect of identity (race, sexuality, etc.). If in an age where women are presumed to have achieved equality in so many ways, education, career, etc, why are young people still learning these lessons about their respective places in the world? Probably because as much as we'd all like to point to the Clinton '08 presidential campaign and say, here's living proof that women have made it in this world, we can all go on with our lives, the reality is they (we) haven't. And we certainly won't as long as we (womena and men) remain complacent and uncritical about media, curriculum and implicit stereotype-reenforcement that teaches both males and females where we belong.
Yesterday I saw a white t-shirt hanging in a girl's clothing store window. In pink writing the shirt said: "I'm too pretty to do math" For those who believe that I'm full of unnecessary, righteous, feminist bullshit.....I rest my case.
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